i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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