Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
