I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
