So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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