So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
