I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
