I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Randomize
