she was so not down for the gang bang
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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