I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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