If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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