ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Randomize
