youre lurking in front of me
she was so not down for the gang bang
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
