Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
