John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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