I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
