Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
