I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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