I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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