I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Couch. On fire.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
