This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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