just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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