i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
