I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
