i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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