You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
