I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
