a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A bitchslap is in order.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
