yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize