So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
