I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
