im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
