He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just want nice things and good sex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
