I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
