i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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