I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
