quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
