how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
