im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
