When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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