4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
