somebody snuck up and got me drunk
...so i touched it.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
