I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
