hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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