good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize