I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
