I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
