Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
