my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize