OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
When are your genitals available?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
