I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize