Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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