I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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