I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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