I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
