It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
