once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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